When Connection Becomes a Service: What Are We Really Looking For? / 从心理视角浅谈“剧本杀”和“委托”的盛行

(双语文章，中文原文在英文版后。转载请先联系作者。)

Recently, I watched Rental Family, a film directed by Japanese American filmmaker HIKARI. Set against the unique Japanese phenomenon of "rental family" services, the film explores an increasingly common emotional reality of modern life: as traditional families and community support become less available, what kinds of relationships are people searching for, and what truly has the power to heal us?

I've also noticed the growing popularity of immersive role-playing experiences among young people in China, such as Tabletop Games (桌游or剧本杀), cosplay commissions (委托), and other forms of paid companionship. In my psychotherapy practice, many younger clients are passionate about these activities.

Some people find this difficult to understand and may ask:

"Why would anyone pay for companionship?"

"If a relationship is built around a role or a service, can it still be a genuine connection?"

From a psychotherapy perspective, perhaps we can ask a different question:

What are people truly longing for—a particular type of relationship, or the experience of being connected?

Psychological research has long shown that our sense of safety develops through relationships from the very beginning of life. Before babies understand language, they learn about the world through a caregiver's eyes, voice, touch, and responsiveness. Through these repeated experiences, they gradually come to believe:

"I matter."

"My feelings matter."

"When I need someone, someone will respond."

These early experiences shape how we relate to ourselves and to others throughout adulthood.

From the perspective of Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system is constantly searching for cues of safety: a calm voice, a kind face, consistent attention, and the feeling that "I don't have to face this alone."

So when someone pays for a companionship experience, what they receive may not simply be a character, a game, or a few hours of interaction. They may be seeking something much deeper:

A place where it feels safe.

A place where they won't be judged.

Someone willing to listen.

Someone who responds.

Someone who helps them feel seen.

This does not mean these experiences can replace genuine intimate relationships. Healthy, lasting relationships require mutuality, commitment, conflict, repair, and the willingness to meet one another authentically.

However, these emerging forms of companionship remind us of something important: many people do not lack the desire for connection—they lack opportunities to experience safe connection.

Modern society has given us more freedom, yet it has also left many people carrying greater loneliness. We have more ways to communicate than ever before, but not necessarily more opportunities for genuine emotional intimacy.

For those who grew up without consistent emotional responsiveness, building relationships is often not simply a matter of "being brave" or "putting yourself out there." Their bodies may have learned long ago:

Don't be a burden.

Don't express your needs.

Don't expect anyone to respond.

In this context, a structured, predictable, and well-boundaried space for companionship may become an important doorway through which they can begin to experience safe connection again.

From a therapeutic perspective, healing is not about becoming independent of others. Rather, it is about gradually helping someone believe:

"I am allowed to need other people."

"My existence is worthy of a response."

"I can stay connected to myself while being connected to others."

Perhaps phenomena such as rental families, cosplay commissions, tabletop game Non-Player Character (NPC), and immersive role-playing are not signs that young people have "strange needs." Instead, they reflect something profoundly human:

We long for connection.

Whatever form connection takes, what we are ultimately seeking is a deep affirmation:

I am seen.

I am understood.

I am not alone.

Perhaps this is also what Polyvagal Theory reminds us: Human connection is not a luxury—it is a fundamental biological need.

Only when our nervous system experiences safety can it release its vigilance and begin to develop trust. And only when trust grows can we truly move toward connection.

What heals us is rarely a profound piece of advice or a particular type of relationship. More often, healing occurs through repeated experiences of being listened to, understood, and responded to, allowing our bodies to learn something new:

The world is not dangerous everywhere.

I can feel safe enough to be myself in relationship.

Whether it is a rental family, a cosplay commission, a tabletop NPC, or psychotherapy, what touches people is often not the role, the story, or the service itself. Rather, within that shared space and limited moment in time, someone briefly experiences safety, trust, and connection. And perhaps that is the deepest purpose of every meaningful relationship.

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最近，看了一部由日裔美籍导演 HIKARI 执导的电影“Rental Family”（《出租家人》），引起了我的一些思考。电影借由日本独特的“出租家人”文化，探讨现代社会中越来越普遍的情感需求：当传统家庭和社会支持逐渐减弱，人们究竟在寻找什么样的关系，又什么才能真正疗愈一个人。

我也注意到一些年轻人中逐渐兴起的剧本杀和委托。在我的心理咨询工作中，不少年轻的来访者也热衷于此。也许会有人不解，会产生疑问：

“为什么人们需要花钱购买陪伴？”

“如果一段关系带有角色和服务属性，它还是真实的连接吗？”

从心理咨询的视角来看，也许我们可以提出另一个问题：一个人真正渴望的，究竟是一种关系形式，还是一种被连接的体验？

心理学研究长期告诉我们，人类从出生开始，就需要通过关系来发展安全感。婴儿不是通过语言理解世界，而是通过照顾者的眼神、声音、触碰和回应，逐渐学习：

“我是重要的。”

“我的感受有人在乎。” “

当我需要时，会有人回应我。”

这种早期经验影响着我们成年后如何与自己和他人建立关系。

从多重迷走神经理论（Polyvagal Theory）的角度来看，我们的神经系统一直在寻找安全的信号——一个稳定的声音、一张友善的脸、一份持续的关注、一种“我不需要独自面对”的感觉。 所以，当一个人购买一次陪伴体验时，他真正获得的可能并不仅仅是一个角色、一场游戏或几个小时的互动。他可能正在寻找：

这里是安全的；

不用担心被评判；

有人愿意倾听；

有人能够回应；

有人让我感觉自己被看见。

这并不意味着这些形式可以完全取代真实的人际关系。真正的亲密关系需要双向性、承诺、冲突后的修复，以及彼此真实地面对。 但这些新兴形式也提醒我们一个重要事实：很多人并不是不需要连接，而是在现实生活中缺少安全的连接。

现代社会给了我们更多自由，却也可能让一些人承担更多孤独；我们拥有更多交流工具，却未必拥有更多深入的情感交流。对于一些从小缺少稳定回应的人来说，建立关系可能并不是简单的“勇敢一点”或“主动一点”。他们的身体可能曾经学会：

不要麻烦别人。

不要表达需要。

不要期待回应。

于是，一个有边界、有结构、可预测的陪伴空间，反而可能成为他们重新体验安全连接的入口。

从心理治疗的角度来看，治愈并不是让人不再需要别人，而是帮助一个人逐渐相信：

“我可以需要别人。”

“我的存在值得被回应。”

“我可以在关系中保持自己，而不必失去自己。”

也许，出租家人、Cos委托、桌游NPC这些现象真正反映的，并不是年轻人的“奇怪需求”。它们反映的是一个非常古老的人类需求：我们渴望连接。 无论连接通过什么形式发生，最终我们寻找的，都是一种深层的确认：

——我被看见。

——我被理解。

——我并不孤单。

也许，这也是多重迷走神经理论（Polyvagal Theory）想提醒我们的：人与人的连接，并不是一种奢侈品，而是神经系统的基本需求。 当我们感受到安全（Safety）时，神经系统才有能力放下警戒，开始信任（Trust）；当信任慢慢建立，我们才敢真正走向彼此，进入连接（Connection）。

而真正疗愈一个人的，往往不是一些大道理，也不是某一种关系形式，而是在一次次被倾听、被理解、被回应的经历中，身体重新学习到：

这个世界并非处处危险。

原来，我可以在关系里安心做自己。

或许，无论是出租家人、Cos委托、剧本杀NPC，还是心理咨询，它们之所以能够触动一些人，并不仅仅因为角色、剧情或服务本身，而是在那一段有限的时空里，一个人短暂地体验到了安全，体验到了信任，也体验到了连接。 而这，也许正是所有关系最深层的意义。